I do wanna sleep that I can barely close my eyes. One after one memories randomly wandering around inside my mind. The initial sources are unknown. I woke up when suddenly feels like revealing the unspoken thoughts here.
When I was teens, I always being told that I have complex personalities. Haha. But I wasnt bother to take the complaints seriously. But they were probably true because I just realized my complexity when I was saying goodbye to the teens world. You might be absorbed by the curiosity on how complex I was, right? Go figure.
My mom once said, among all siblings, there are some of us which are capable on expressing sadness superficially. But the rest, they prefer keep it bottled in their heart and cry out loud silently. Do highlight, loud BUT silent. I dont know which group I am in. Because I often throw my temper tantrum with tears (but I dont screech). And I can barely cry over tiny things. I am somehow firm but not solid as my tears still can easily pooled when matter comes to family especially mom dan dad.
I am totally behave within family but suprisingly, I am a naughty kiddo at school (I mean hostel). I joined a clique named 'Slack-One'. People misinterpretly judge us by that name. haha. Slack. Slack. I'm still wondering, why we didnt put a merely Islamic name which sounds better good? Muslimah Solehah ke kan? But there's second clique of my colleague named 'Otai Beriman'. What the heck? haha.
By the way, is that a complexity of personality? Being an angel when homed and demon when hosteled. I think not. It just the way I react in different situations. When I am home, I'm being a good daughter of parents, a good grudger of siblings (we often fight!). When I was school, I tried to enjoy the so-called-once-in-a-lifetime-zaman-kanak-kanak-riang-sekolah.
Well..that was a good memories of school. I've learned better what life is all about :) It isnt utopian,but still a real life with full of joy to live with.
I dont know if I am a complex person but I can surely say that I am not simple. When I grow older, the complexity exacerbate. It infiltrates my thoughts though.
Why do we envy those who lives their life very well, full of happiness, joyful, prosperity and et cetera? Why we often blame the fate rather than praising our Lord on what had been granted, gifted? We always feel discontent on what we have. We want even more.
I acknowledge that we are oblivion servants. We repents less and complaints more. We want best but never give better to Allah. Why? For fear to loss prides? Or feels enough on what we've done?
We drown in impiety. We do mischievous and ludicrous things and having fun on it. When we be in dire straits or on razor edge, we then seek for divine helps. We hope those interventions will come right on cue. When they're not, we grumpy. When we are slightly cured, we forget again. Repeat the same mistakes.
Look, how lousy we are, only take for granted.
Over years I tried to find out what person I wanna be, things I wanna do, path I wanna choose and what-so-ever. Because I dont want to be such person who wants more but give less. My inners are empty. I need to fill it with something. Something right. Something like eternal truths. Yes, something like that.
I finally realized that I should make a change. Myself deserve a better me. And from that moment and forth, I've made a move. With no doubt nor hesitate. I looked back only for good. To correct mistakes and to improve lacks.
Peoples change and so do I. Being better is not hypocrite but insisting our whispering heart, that is it. Dont care with the violent opposition of the mediocre minds and talks of peoples around you. As long as you are right, keep moving. Stand still with your principles of life parallel to the Quran and Sunnah. Do not afraid to change for good for the better and for the best.
Because..we are not alone. Never been. Allah is with us and He always will.
I've did my way. So, When is yours?